Getting to the end of homeschooling during coronavirus (without losing it) - ABC Life 29/2/2020
/By Tim Fisher
https://www.abc.net.au/life/getting-to-the-end-of-homeschooling-during-coronavirus/12210588
Coronavirus restrictions are being tentatively eased in some states, and the promise of schools returning to normal should give me hope.
But these weekday mornings still find me with jaw clenched, taking deep breaths as I coax one daughter through her lessons while another runs in circles through the washing.
As my to-do lists pile up like the clothes on the floor, so does the imagined disappointment of friends I'm not texting, family I haven't called and, especially, bosses I'm not delivering to.
Not to mention the very real disappointment of the kids and partner, thoroughly sick of my attention always being elsewhere and my fuse being shorter than ever.
I'm not alone in worrying about the impact my emotions are having on the kids as I try to teach, work and parent simultaneously.
"Some days I amaze myself by being super positive," says Cyril Delafosse-Guiramand, a father of two young girls.
"But the next day I can cope with none of it, and find myself telling my child off or walking out of the room."
With WA sending students back and NSW schools beginning a day-a-week return from May 11, it seems there is light at the end of the tunnel. But for thousands of parents and children, the juggle will continue throughout term two.
So how do we get through this next, hopefully final, stage of "crisis teaching" without losing it at our kids, then hating ourselves for it?
We spoke to experts and other parents for some tips.
Be realistic
"I don't know how full-time workers are juggling both school and work," says Nicki Farrell.
Nicki is a former high school teacher-turned-homeschooler and the co-founder of a forest school in Queensland.
"It can take a year of homeschooling to get to a stage where the [parent-teacher/child] relationship is healthy enough to do it successfully," she says.
With this in mind, you're simply not going to be your kids' favourite teacher after a few weeks' experience and no training.
"If you're realistic," says psychologist Hunter Mulcare, "you're more relaxed as a parent, and as a result the children are more relaxed because they're not feeling pressured."
Acknowledge and express your emotions
Dr Mulcare is not only a psychologist. He's also a sole parent with two young kids.
He says if you're finding this period tough, you should absolutely feel OK about expressing it.
"Denying this is difficult is invalidating your own emotions," he says.
"And what do we tell our kids to do? We don't just tell them to harden up every time they're feeling emotional."
For Dr Mulcare, one of the biggest points of parental stress is managing your own emotions in a stressful situation while also being the anchor for the family.
"If we're stressed at work that's one thing. But when you're in the house with the children 24/7, you have to be quite creative and quite tolerant of the fact that some days are just not going to be good.
"For me the good days — which are in the minority, because mostly it's been average days — have not been about getting the school work done, but enjoying it, and enjoying being with the children.
"We went shopping last week and one of the kids spotted some modelling clay. So we bought it, went home and spent time making things instead of doing school work.
"Not every day is like that. If you get one moment like that a day, you're doing really well."
Know your own triggers
For the past three years, Cyril Delafosse-Guiramand has been living with his family in the Solomon Islands, where his wife Louise was working. Since leaving in March, Cyril has been running his business from a Canberra kitchen table while teaching his two daughters.(Supplied: Louise Scott)
"It's very much a rollercoaster of attitude, and it's hard to control," says Cyril of his emotions while teaching his children.
"The important thing is to know where you're at, to try to moderate, to mitigate it."
Dr Mulcare agrees: "If I'm anxious or I've had a shitty morning, it helps to remind myself that doesn't mean the afternoon's going to be shitty."
As you learn to recognise anxiety in your children, it's just as important to recognise your own signs.
"What I've noticed is that the kids often express their emotions physically — saying they've got a tummy ache, or asking if I can take their temperature. That's a sign something is going on for them," Dr Mulcare says.
For you, it might be tension in your body, or finding yourself turning the same thoughts over and over without getting anywhere.
As Dr Mulcare says, this is where kids can help. They may be sources of tension themselves from time to time, but they're also great at getting you out of your own head. Make sure you let them.
Use kids' energy for good
"Take them outside straight after breakfast and burn off the energy and emotion. Dispense with that right at the start of the day," says Nicki.
This is not only good advice for kids.
"We're like plants. We need sunlight, we need air," Dr Mulcare says.
"My kids and I have been riding our bikes to different parks and riding around. One child usually cracks it at some point, but it's helpful for all of us."
Rethink your job
If the demands of work have been getting unreasonable, it's helpful to remember we are still in the midst of a crisis.
"Some days, you know what, you do need to push through, and find a way to get your work done," Dr Mulcare says.
"But there are other days you need to push back, assert yourself, and give other people reasonable expectations about what's going to happen.
"We look at an inbox full of emails and the expectation is we'll get back to them all because that's what we'd normally try to do, but this is not normal. It's reasonable to state what you can actually do today."
Even when restrictions have eased, this is a mindset worth hanging on to. Dr Mulcare works at Sunshine Hospital in Melbourne's west, helping cancer patients through their diagnoses and treatment. He says this realisation is one he sees often in his patients.
"It's worthwhile having a think about what you truly have to do, and what people will tolerate if you don't," he says.
…and remember, good enough parenting (and teaching) is good enough
If you have high standards, this has probably been one of the most difficult things to take on board, but a period of crisis is simply not the time to impose them.
"There's a whole thing about 'good enough parenting' in psychology, and if you're managing to do that, you've won," Dr Mulcare says.
"People think it's a low bar, but it's not. It's hard to do."
And as Nicki says, "Remember how adaptable and capable kids are. They'll pick it back up. That's what kids do."